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It seems I'm becoming completely obsessed with the creation of lists. Not content with having spent several days cataloguing my book collection on Shelfari, I have now spent most of this weekend cataloguing my cd collection on CD-tracker. I wonder what else I can find to catalogue next week?

Had she lived, today would have been Peronne's 38th birthday. It's been 5 months, and it still feels wrong for her not to be among the living anymore. I regularly wake up sobbing, having dreamt of her in the night. I'm even crying as I type these few lines. The loss of my best friend has been very hard to bear. It's made me feel as if I've lost a big chunk of myself, not just of my history but part of who I am as well, and it's closed the door on so many possibilities ahead. Whereas before, the future always had our friendship in it, now there's a vast emptiness where that should go. It feels like an amputation, and I miss her. Sometimes, I can hear her in my head; and sometimes too, I think I can see her...but it's always either someone else, or a dream.

Also, I feel as if I've somehow failed her, as if I should have taken better care of her parents, who have always been good to me. They're sick with grief, and even though I've tried to reach them a few times, I'm very aware of the fact that I can't offer them any real comfort.

Although I'm grateful to have had her in my life, I'm angry and upset that it has come to such a sudden and irreversible end; and I'm afraid it will be a long time before I'm in a mood to celebrate on August 19th again.

Comments

( 11 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )
enigmaticblues
Aug. 19th, 2007 09:06 pm (UTC)
*hugs you tightly*
gamiila
Aug. 20th, 2007 09:17 am (UTC)
::hugs back::

Thank you. I know one day I'll be able to remember her without immediately bursting into tears, but it's too soon for that now.
curiouswombat
Aug. 19th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC)
What a sad day for you. And whilst you may feel that you can offer her parents little real comfort, I think that just knowing that you care will be some small comfort, and something they will remember in the future.
gamiila
Aug. 20th, 2007 09:32 am (UTC)
It's been a difficult few days in the run-up to her birthday, with plenty of emotional outpourings at the most inopportune moments. Sometimes I could wish I could be more like you Brits, all stiff upper lip, if only because crying takes so much out of you, and my eyelids have been quite swollen now for days.

I think part of the reason why we're all so distraught is that her death of what the autopsy has identified as legionnaire's disease was such an unexpected thing to happen, we none of us, not her friends, not her family, have had a chance to adjust to it, and say goodbye. Instead, there's this sea of sorrow we all seem to be drowning in, and it's difficult to offer comfort when you're inconsolable yourself.
diachrony
Aug. 19th, 2007 10:18 pm (UTC)
::HUGS::
gamiila
Aug. 20th, 2007 09:34 am (UTC)
Thank you.
rosamundeb
Aug. 20th, 2007 04:05 am (UTC)
You express so well how you feel. As painful as it is now, I envy you having had such a good, close friend. But don't think that you can't offer her parents anything. Maybe not now, but some day, they'll want to see you just to talk about her, and bring her back that way.
gamiila
Aug. 20th, 2007 09:46 am (UTC)
I would like that, very much. As I say, her parents have always been very good to me, and I'd like to do something back for them. But they have been very hard hit in the last 18 months, when first their son died of cancer, and just over a year later, their daughter of legionnaire's disease contracted on one of her frequent work-related trips abroad. How does one begin to console such a vast amount of grief? (That's a rhetorical question, btw).
rosamundeb
Aug. 20th, 2007 05:17 pm (UTC)
Their son, too? I can't imagine; I just can't.
gamiila
Aug. 20th, 2007 06:28 pm (UTC)
Yes, Ben passed away in January '06, after having been diagnosed with oesophagal cancer the previous November. It was very sad.
rosamundeb
Aug. 21st, 2007 03:07 am (UTC)
Wow... just hard to imagine.
( 11 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )

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