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Rock bottom

After disbelief and despair, depression. I feel utterly worthless, with a knot in my stomach that will not go away. I haven't been able to sleep through the night since The Biatch dropped the bombshell on me on Monday, and I've stopped eating, surviving on a small bowl of yoghurt a day that I have to force down and force to stay down. The job centre requires that in order to qualify for benefit, I apply for work from the first moment of hearing my contract would not be extended; so this morning I sent off my first application though I don't expect anything to come out of it; I've never been so uninspired in my life.

So here I am, sat sad, shivering and quivering in my flat, while outside people are celebrating Queen's Day, enjoying themselves with fun and games. And I keep going over the same questions in my mind, without finding an answer to any of them. Why oh why did I not heed my previous manager's warnings to watch out for The Biatch? What reason had I to assume that even though they hated each other, The Biatch would be able to judge me on my own merits and not be influenced by my association with her enemy? Why is it that I'm such a poor judge of character? And why do I always, always, ruin things for myself?

What good are the CEO's and COO's kind words to me? They won't put food on the table, or vouchsafe me a pension in my old age.

I could have had a job come Monday. A job I enjoyed, that suited me down to the ground. And I would have had too, if only I'd let sleeping dogs lie for a week. I am the worst kind of failure in the history of the world.

Comments

( 26 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )
bogwitch
Apr. 30th, 2010 02:09 pm (UTC)
It's crap, I know, but it's
not
your fault.

Hey, at least you didn't get the boot for writing tentacle porn in work time!
gamiila
Apr. 30th, 2010 03:25 pm (UTC)
Well no, but that would have required a special talent that I definitely do not possess! ;-)
elisi
Apr. 30th, 2010 02:11 pm (UTC)
::sends many hugs::

And you're definitely NOT a failure!
gamiila
Apr. 30th, 2010 03:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the vote of confidence. Perhaps I am being a bit hard on myself.
enigmaticblues
Apr. 30th, 2010 02:14 pm (UTC)
*hugs you tight* I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time.
gamiila
Apr. 30th, 2010 03:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Jerusha. It seems like it's an emotional time in both our lives, yet I don't think we're the same sign...
enigmaticblues
Apr. 30th, 2010 07:14 pm (UTC)
I'm an Aries.

And I wanted to say that this isn't your fault. It's not. You were trying to secure your future, and there's nothing wrong with that. The Biatch is just a nasty woman.
gamiila
Apr. 30th, 2010 07:49 pm (UTC)
I certainly do have a knack, don't I, in running afoul of the wrong kind of manager time and time again. Remember Jobsworth? Yet now it seems he was a pussycat compared to The Biatch.

I heard on the grapevine that he's recently joined the legion of the unemployed as well. So now the race is on to see who will be gainfully employed again first, him or me.
herself_nyc
Apr. 30th, 2010 02:46 pm (UTC)
I KNOW you are being too hard on yourself. Please call a moratorium on this self-criticism. You're in shock, and mourning, it's no time to judge yourself.
gamiila
Apr. 30th, 2010 03:32 pm (UTC)
I know you're right, but at the moment I just can't help myself. Bear with me.
deborahw37
Apr. 30th, 2010 05:44 pm (UTC)
You could well have been out of a Job on monday and kicking yourself that you didn't speak out sooner so your " if only"s are conjecture.

Take a couple of days to mourn and to get angry and then put on your nicest shoes and your happy face, update your CV and go out there and knock 'em dead.

You have the skills and eperience and I'm confident that you can land a new job soon

((hugs))
gamiila
Apr. 30th, 2010 06:42 pm (UTC)
update your CV

Job done, and according to our COO, who's looked it over, it's excellent. He suggested just a few minor changes, such as my salary requirements: according to him, I'm worth more than I'd originally written down; and now I've just got to keep my fingers crossed that any prospective new employers aren't going to be put off by that larger sum.

Seems like at least one good thing has come out of this debacle: I do have an in with two high-flyers in the world of finance. Plus there's the Business Controller of course, so I don't need to worry about references, should they be required.
curiouswombat
Apr. 30th, 2010 07:41 pm (UTC)
Just apply for the next job of any sort going there - with the CEO and COO as your references it would take a very brave manager to turn you down.

At least you passed all your exams so I would think you are pretty marketable to any similar organisation.
gamiila
Apr. 30th, 2010 08:01 pm (UTC)
Just apply for the next job of any sort going there

Actually, this morning when I started to seriously look at job openings, I did toy with the idea of sending off an application for the position of manager of the team I've just been fired from (there's an interim manager at the moment, but the position is officially still vacant and has been since February). I thought better of it when I realised that as hiring manager, The Biatch wouldn't get the joke.

you are pretty marketable to any similar organisation.

I think so. Really, I'm in a much better position than I was 18 months ago when I started in this business.
curiouswombat
Apr. 30th, 2010 08:46 pm (UTC)
It would have been tempting - except that if she was forced to give it to you she would doubtless be an even bigger biatch to work for than she was before.
onecheekyhobbit
Apr. 30th, 2010 09:57 pm (UTC)
Well your situation is different than mine in a way, but when I lost my job it was because someone didn't like me. Plain and simple. I'd always done the work they wanted, well before any deadline and I'd never had a problem with anyone, but I wasn't a bubbly girly-girl and the new boss didn't like working with me.

After I got fired I looked around for jobs but I didn't realize until I got out of that state how depressed I was for the entire thing. It's never easy to start again after such a dramatic fall and to be honest with you I think you deserve some time to feel hurt and unhappy because what happened to you was wrong.

Don't blame yourself for not putting someone down in your head. I don't think that's a bad judge of character just an optimistic approach to things.

Really I just want to say, you're not alone in this. You're a valued individual. I like you. :) and don't feel bad for feeling crappy. This sucks, but it won't last forever.

lOVE!!!
K
gamiila
Apr. 30th, 2010 11:09 pm (UTC)
I think you deserve some time to feel hurt and unhappy

Funnily enough, that's just what the company doctor told me yesterday too; 'cause I was all can't sit still, gotta get out there, find a new job, and he told me I needed to take time out first and mourn, and sod the job centre and their rules (easier said than done, though; not if you want to qualify for benefit).

I don't think that's a bad judge of character just an optimistic approach to things.

I like your view! I think I'll look at it that way too from here on in.

it won't last forever

Amen to that. And I like you, too :-)
suze2000
May. 1st, 2010 01:15 am (UTC)
I'm a bit slow coming in here, but just want to echo the comments above.

You have a right to be angry and upset about this, but it's really not in any way your fault and you did not deserve it.

You will find another job soon enough, you wait and see!

In the meantime, sit and mourn for a week. But don't wallow and for god's sake, yoghurt isn't any sort of food. When I'm stressed and upset to the point I can't eat, I find plain white bread rolls are better. They stay down well and are more interesting to eat in the first place. Which helps to get my appetite back overall. Sadly for my waistline (but not for my heart and state of mind), these periods of stress-induced starvation are few and few between. And I hope yours is over soon. *hug*
gamiila
May. 1st, 2010 08:14 am (UTC)
for god's sake, yoghurt isn't any sort of food

Isn't it? I admit I'm not sure what its nutritional value is, and I suppose it's probably not very high now that I come to think of it; but white bread? That can't be very much better, can it? At least, I've always been taught that it has all the goodness taken out of it, and it's better to eat brown. But I will take your warnings to heart and go grocery shopping today. And then, I'm going to clean the flat from top to bottom, 'cause if I'm going to have to spend some time here rather than just use it as a place to sleep, I want it spic & span. Not that it is a pigsty at the moment, but with the commute and all I never felt like doing more than the absolute minimum to keep it habitable before.

suze2000
May. 1st, 2010 09:21 am (UTC)
Well, I admit there's probably less nutrients in white bread, but in terms of calories, there's more in bread - if you aren't eating Greek-style yoghurt.

But if you can eat wholemeal bread (and keep it down), there's probably a whole bunch of things that you can eat - it's just a matter of shopping, I suspect.

Seems like you've woken up this morning with a plan though, so I suspect you are already on the mend.
anonypooh
May. 3rd, 2010 09:59 am (UTC)
chocolate. that's proper food ;)

look how LATE I am to the keyboard - So by now - new week, new month, new horizons, new directions (not nude erections aka Porn - The musical)

Tell me your positive thoughts as they stand today.
Tell me - or I may have to come and squee over you.
- and you just cleaned, too.
sorry.
gamiila
May. 3rd, 2010 04:05 pm (UTC)
Thing is, I'd just given up chocolate for a month when I got the sack, and although I've been in dreadful need of its comfort, I haven't given in just yet. I want to do something about this pot belly of mine, you see?

And that's one positive right there: with me not eating, come summer I'll look like a supermodel. Well, sort of.
kassto
May. 1st, 2010 07:54 am (UTC)
Worst kind of failure? Definitely not! Just had a bad shock which is very hard not to take personally. I am sure you will find another good job soon. But it is a hell of a shock. Has only happened to me once, but it completely threw me.
gamiila
May. 1st, 2010 08:20 am (UTC)
But it is a hell of a shock. Has only happened to me once, but it completely threw me.

So you know exactly how it feels, then. Don't worry, I'm going to dust myself off and start again, and all this will just be a bad memory soon.
viciouswishes
May. 3rd, 2010 02:29 am (UTC)
*hugs*
gamiila
May. 3rd, 2010 03:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
( 26 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )

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