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Scarred and scared

I hate to admit it, but I'm feeling really rather stressed at the moment. I've secured another interview, and since this potential employer is also located in Rotterdam, I've opted to have it back to back with my PB one on Thursday afternoon. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I'm now realising I may be saving on train fare but will be up against the clock in my first and to me, more important appointment of the day. Small wonder I woke up in a cold sweat this morning...

I've been unemployed now for 9 months. You'd think I'd have adjusted to this circumstance by now, but I haven't. Every day, I wake up slightly stressed and feeling guilty about not being a productive member of society, and the stress just keeps building during the course of the day. I live in terror at the thought of not ever finding another job again...and in terror at the thought of finding one and having to prove myself again. My confidence has hit rock bottom and I can't shake this feeling that I'll be rubbish at whatever job I might, by some miracle, manage to land. I'm good at masking it, though; whenever I leave an interview room, I'm always surprised my interlocutor(s) haven't picked up on my uncertainty, but have seemed to swallow my BS whole. Then I start to worry they might not be so obtuse next time, and I'll get laughed out of their offices...or tarred and feathered and run out of town.

It's times like these that I regret not having a SO, someone to sit me down and talk sense into me. It's just me, myself and I all the time; and frankly, I'm driving myself nuts.

The news that The Biatch who chose not to renew my contract out of petty revenge has been demoted hasn't helped put me in a better frame of mind, either. I warned her she wouldn't be able to make her ludicrous targets with the changes she was implementing; I have been proved right...but at the end of the day, she's still in work and I'm struggling to make ends meet.

On a lighter note, though: I had a quiet weekend, in which I went to the pictures with my mum. It's something we like to do on occasion. I usually let her choose the movie and this time she picked Burlesque, which surprised me in being quite good fun. I hadn't expected it to be my cup of tea, really; the story's pretty flimsy and done to death already, and while I've always liked Cher as an actress, Christina Aguilera was a complete unknown to me. I'd never heard her sing, and had no idea if she could act. However, I think she did pretty well. Much better than Madonna, although that's not saying much.

Comments

( 16 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )
elisi
Jan. 11th, 2011 12:58 pm (UTC)
Oh I hear you on the job hunting part. I'm looking myself, but it's been... a while (many many years) since I was last in proper work, so it's v. daunting.
gamiila
Jan. 11th, 2011 01:09 pm (UTC)
I'm sure that can't be easy, either. What kind of work are you looking to get back in?
elisi
Jan. 11th, 2011 01:14 pm (UTC)
Just any kind of office/admin type stuff. Something that'll earn money and not drive me insane... ;)
gamiila
Jan. 11th, 2011 01:23 pm (UTC)
Well, best of luck, anyway!
curiouswombat
Jan. 11th, 2011 01:11 pm (UTC)
All the best of luck.

Is it possible to set back the later interview by an hour or so to give yourself breathing space?

And yeah - the ability to say "I told you so" might be satisfying in some ways - but it doesn't get your job back (or get you hers!).
gamiila
Jan. 11th, 2011 01:34 pm (UTC)
As long as the first interview doesn't take longer than 2, 2 1/4 hours, I should be able to make the next appointment, easy. Setting the second one further back will only lead to me kicking my heels in a cold and wet Rotterdam unnecessarily, I think.

If only the company could be big enough to give me my job back! But it's a pride thing, I guess, before anything else.
suze2000
Jan. 11th, 2011 03:45 pm (UTC)
They were idiots at the time to let it happen to you. It doesn't help you, though, to know that.
gamiila
Jan. 11th, 2011 03:55 pm (UTC)
No. But it does make me feel better to hear you say that ;-)
jonesiexxx
Jan. 11th, 2011 08:39 pm (UTC)
Setting the second one further back will only lead to me kicking my heels in a cold and wet Rotterdam unnecessarily, I think.

Might be worth it. What if the first interview starts late? You could make yourself crazy worrying about it before you even get in the room.
gamiila
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:22 pm (UTC)
You may be right. After checking the R'dam metro website, I now know I need to allow for at least 45 minutes between the 2 addresses.
enigmaticblues
Jan. 11th, 2011 02:06 pm (UTC)
*big hugs* Losing your job/being unemployed is one of the hardest things to deal with, and it's really hard on a person's self-esteem. I really hope that you find the perfect job soon.
gamiila
Jan. 11th, 2011 02:47 pm (UTC)
I wish I were better equipped to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, but I guess I'll just have to muddle through as best as I can.

Thanks.

Edited at 2011-01-11 04:03 pm (UTC)
suze2000
Jan. 11th, 2011 03:51 pm (UTC)
I wish we lived closer, I could come over, get you drunk, dance to music in your living room and tell you how amazing you are.

You've suffered a lot of blows over the last few years. A lesser woman would have thrown in the towel ages ago and dissolved into a blubbering mess. But you are still out there hoping for a change and looking to improve your lot.

I understand how unemployment can sap your confidence, but I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. You did not choose this, and you have been working hard to turn it around all that time. Be proud of that, and that you are still a strong capable woman, standing up and looking to contribute. Try not to let your fears beat you down. *hug*
gamiila
Jan. 11th, 2011 04:00 pm (UTC)
Get me drunk!!! Yes, that would be a good start. A girl's night in is exactly what's required!

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'll gird my loins and get ready to do battle once more!
empresspatti
Jan. 11th, 2011 07:48 pm (UTC)
Just stopping by to wish you well on your interviews. I know you are feeling uncertain - please realize that it is how everyone else is feeling too.
gamiila
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Patti!
( 16 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )

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