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View from a bridge


I hadn't been at the office an hour when one of Jobworth's favourites, finding me alone, took the opportunity to verbally lay into me and tell me how to do my job. My heartrate sped up from normal to off the chart, tears sprang to my eyes and my hands started shaking so much that I spilt my coffee all over the desk. In the middle of his rant, I got up, put on my coat, and walked out. I'm not going back there, not for any money. Well, not until they force me to, anyway.

I'm so bloody tired. I haven't been sleeping well in weeks. I lie awake most nights just staring at the ceiling. It's not that I can't sleep for worrying -- or if it is, I'm not aware that I'm worried, or fretting, or thinking anything in particular, really. Just...can't sleep. And I can't seem to get warm. I'm so, so cold each and every day, despite wearing at least three layers of clothing.

Thank God I'm going to see the therapist again tomorrow. Maybe she can help me figure out why things are getting worse rather than better. Although...I haven't done the homework she gave me. I had to write down 5 good things that happened to me for each day in the 3 weeks between appointments. But I haven't even managed to pinpoint 1 good thing that's happened in the whole of that period.

God! I'm pathetic...Think I'd better stop this, right now.

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Comments

( 47 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )
meko00
Mar. 8th, 2005 12:53 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I wish there were something I could do.
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 01:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Just knowing that you're there, even if it's out there in cyberspace, helps. Really.
bogwitch
Mar. 8th, 2005 01:13 pm (UTC)
I surprised you lasted this long, I'd have split months ago. Maybe it's better to cut your losses and get out for your own sake.

::hugs::
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 01:21 pm (UTC)
Maybe it's better to cut your losses and get out for your own sake.

And as soon as I've found somewhere to go, I will. Thanks for the hugs, much appreciated.
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janedavitt
Mar. 8th, 2005 01:38 pm (UTC)
I'm so very sorry. And you're not pathetic, not at all. You're just down and having trouble getting back up again.

5 good things a day? That's a lot. That would stress me out trying to come up with them!

I wish I could help someway other than :;hugs::
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 01:57 pm (UTC)
5 good things a day? That's a lot.

You think? Maybe then, if I can think of 5 good things for the whole of the period, it won't look too meagre a harvest, after all. Now think! What's made me smile in the last couple of weeks?

Thanks for the hugs, they're wonderful. Ah! See? That's one good thing, right there!
(no subject) - janedavitt - Mar. 8th, 2005 02:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
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curiouswombat
Mar. 8th, 2005 01:56 pm (UTC)
{{{{hugs}}}}. If you ever need a good reference you can always ask us - we'd all write you beautiful ones!

By the way - the feeling cold thing, along with the bursting into tears thing (even with justification!) - has your doctor checked your thyroid function recently? Just wondering.
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 01:59 pm (UTC)
has your doctor checked your thyroid function recently? Just wondering.


My thyroid function? No, no one's checked that, ever. Why, what's it do?
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sanda56
Mar. 8th, 2005 03:02 pm (UTC)
Oh dear, sorry things have come to a head but not surprised. That sort of situation at work is just so difficult to live with. Walking out seems like a sensible reaction. Did I tell you I had a boss who I was once very tempted to push out of the window? Stress is a terrible thing!

Sounds like a good idea to have your thyroid checked out. Mine's under-active and it made quite a difference when I went on the tablets.

God! I'm pathetic...

No, you're really not! *big hugs*
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 03:20 pm (UTC)
Did I tell you I had a boss who I was once very tempted to push out of the window? Stress is a terrible thing!

Tell me about it! And no, you didn't...but I can so identify with that longing -- glad to know you overcame the temptation, though (you did, didn't you?)!
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vegmb
Mar. 8th, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC)
I have to agree with bogwitch you need to get out of there as soon as possible. Obviously you see that it is affecting you, but you may not realize just how much a change of environment can do. None of you knew me when I was with my previous company, but I was having anxiety attacks (chest pains, left arm going numb just like a heart attack) and migrains. Since I have changed jobs there has been none of that. I had thought it had more to do with the stress at home and come to find out the stess at home was more due to the stress at work...My point being that you need to take care of you and you can't do that where you are currently. You've been a brave soul and tried to stick it out and make it work, but that just isn't happening. Is it likely that they are going to remove Jobsworth from your life when you have your meeting? If not, then find something quick and let this be a bad memory.

And [hugs], [hugs], [hugs], [hugs]! (I don't mean to lecture; it just comes naturally.)
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 03:24 pm (UTC)
None of you knew me when I was with my previous company, but I was having anxiety attacks (chest pains, left arm going numb just like a heart attack) and migrains.

Dear Veggie! So sorry to hear you had to go through that, and so glad to know that switching companies has made it a thing of the past for you.

((hugs)), ((hugs)), ((hugs)) you back -- and a ((bear hug)) for good measure!
(no subject) - vegmb - Mar. 8th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
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superplin
Mar. 8th, 2005 03:12 pm (UTC)
You are not pathetic. You've been under severe stress from various directions for a long time, now. Getting out sounds like an excellent idea, although I realize there are other concerns.

Good luck. You deserve some.
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 03:28 pm (UTC)
Thank you. This may sound soppy, but all the kind words I'm receiving from all of you, and all the good advice...well, they mean a lot to me.
josephine_64
Mar. 8th, 2005 04:08 pm (UTC)
No advice really - it's all been said. Just *hugs*.
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 05:32 pm (UTC)
No advice really - it's all been said.

Doesn't matter: thanks for being here. And the hugs...:-)
gwynnega
Mar. 8th, 2005 07:38 pm (UTC)
Sorry you're going through such a rough time. Things will get better!

::hugs::
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 07:42 pm (UTC)
Things will get better!

You know, after all the wonderful comments and hugs I've received today, I have no doubt that it will!

Thanks.
db2305
Mar. 8th, 2005 07:58 pm (UTC)
*hugs you again*

And you know my phone number, right? And do you know how to chat? Download YIM and page me if you need to talk....I'm db23050!
gamiila
Mar. 8th, 2005 09:16 pm (UTC)
And you know my phone number, right?

((hugs back tightly))

Don't worry: I've got all your phone numbers, and I'm not afraid to use them!
(On second thoughts, perhaps you should worry...;-))

And do you know how to chat?

In theory, yes...I've even tried once or twice; but I'm not a quick typist!

desdemonaspace
Mar. 9th, 2005 12:51 am (UTC)
That bastard! Or should I say "bastards"? Grr. I'm glad you're not going to take it any longer, but a teensy bit worried for you. Perhaps you could sue them for "hostile work environment?" Grr. Still mad on your behalf. I want to send my big Marine over there to sort them out.

Yes, yes, yes, I second what CW says--take care of your health, too. Stress can be a killer. I remember being so stressed and preocuppied once, I ran my bike into a lamppost and the last thing I heard was my head making a sound like a Chinese gong. Take care, sweet Gamiila.
gamiila
Mar. 9th, 2005 06:11 am (UTC)
Grr. Still mad on your behalf. I want to send my big Marine over there to sort them out.

Thank you, that's so sweet of you -- and it's brought a smile to my face just picturing it!
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( 47 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )

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