January 11th, 2011

ambitious but rubbish

Scarred and scared

I hate to admit it, but I'm feeling really rather stressed at the moment. I've secured another interview, and since this potential employer is also located in Rotterdam, I've opted to have it back to back with my PB one on Thursday afternoon. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I'm now realising I may be saving on train fare but will be up against the clock in my first and to me, more important appointment of the day. Small wonder I woke up in a cold sweat this morning...

I've been unemployed now for 9 months. You'd think I'd have adjusted to this circumstance by now, but I haven't. Every day, I wake up slightly stressed and feeling guilty about not being a productive member of society, and the stress just keeps building during the course of the day. I live in terror at the thought of not ever finding another job again...and in terror at the thought of finding one and having to prove myself again. My confidence has hit rock bottom and I can't shake this feeling that I'll be rubbish at whatever job I might, by some miracle, manage to land. I'm good at masking it, though; whenever I leave an interview room, I'm always surprised my interlocutor(s) haven't picked up on my uncertainty, but have seemed to swallow my BS whole. Then I start to worry they might not be so obtuse next time, and I'll get laughed out of their offices...or tarred and feathered and run out of town.

It's times like these that I regret not having a SO, someone to sit me down and talk sense into me. It's just me, myself and I all the time; and frankly, I'm driving myself nuts.

The news that The Biatch who chose not to renew my contract out of petty revenge has been demoted hasn't helped put me in a better frame of mind, either. I warned her she wouldn't be able to make her ludicrous targets with the changes she was implementing; I have been proved right...but at the end of the day, she's still in work and I'm struggling to make ends meet.

On a lighter note, though: I had a quiet weekend, in which I went to the pictures with my mum. It's something we like to do on occasion. I usually let her choose the movie and this time she picked Burlesque, which surprised me in being quite good fun. I hadn't expected it to be my cup of tea, really; the story's pretty flimsy and done to death already, and while I've always liked Cher as an actress, Christina Aguilera was a complete unknown to me. I'd never heard her sing, and had no idea if she could act. However, I think she did pretty well. Much better than Madonna, although that's not saying much.