There. I've said it. I hate it. I do.
And saying it doesn't make me feel any better. Nosirree...it just makes me more depressed and angry and frustrated and I just wanna. rip. things. to. shreds!
O God! why can't I be independently wealthy? Win the lottery or something (although I think I might stand a bigger chance of winning if I'd actually buy a ticket)?
Another thing that's been bothering me lately is the realisation that we're going to be moving in about 6 months, to a location that is totally inaccessible. No public transport going anywhere near it, and if you go by car, it's guaranteed tailbacks on the motorway going in in the mornings and coming back at night. It's going to add an hour, hour and a half, to my commute every single day. So not looking forward to it.
So people tell me: move! Find another job, preferably one in your area! Easier said than done. In case they hadn't noticed: we're in the middle of a bloody recession. Jobs are a lot thinner on the ground than they were a year, two years ago. Nice, interesting, well-paying jobs with indefinite contracts, even thinner. And I have a mortgage to consider.
But that's not even the main reason I procrastinate. I'm 41 years old, and I still haven't worked out what I want to do. I don't think I ever will. I mean, I started out as an archaeologist, and I. loved. that. Digging in the dirt, working in the great outdoors, interpreting finds or non-finds as the case may be, preparing and setting up exhibitions, writing articles and holding talks - ah, that was the life for me! But sadly, a combination of the last recession and personal circumstances (i.e. long-term illness) brought an end to that career.
So, here I am, not knowing WTF I ever want to do job-wise, and not really interested in putting any energy into finding out. Because there's another reason I don't take this 'must find another job' thing seriously, and that is: I'm bone-idle.