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Wish it were otherwise

All through last week, the care home kept leaving messages for me to get back to them urgently, but we kept missing each other until this afternoon. The news is not good: they want to meet with me to discuss how soon I can move Dad into another facility, as he's become a danger to himself and others now that he frequently forgets he has lit a cigarette, or leaves the taps running, or flushes his nappies down the loo causing the bathroom to flood. So it looks like it's going to be the nursing home for Dad soon, and I know he's not going to go quietly; but that's not the worst of it -- it's that I'm pretty convinced that he'll deteriorate in even more rapid stages once what little semblance of independence and privacy has been taken away from him, and knowing that I had a hand in it as much as his care givers...Poor Daddy! He'll probably tell me I might as well shoot him, and I'm not sure that might not be the kinder thing to do.


( 11 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )
Feb. 27th, 2009 07:46 pm (UTC)
Oh God I am so sorry! {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

Once years ago I firmly promised my mother that as long as I was alive she would never be put in a nursing home. I meant that. She hated them (she was a nurse and knew well how they can often be) and feared them too. When she began falling and began to suffer from brain atrophy (results similar to Altzheimers but the cause different)we moved her from her home to my sisters (she had the space) and I stayed there as well so I could look after mother while my sister did her day job (Jim picked me up in the evenings for our work and then back to my sisters). We did this for quite a long time as mother deteriorated. In spite of our best efforts and safeguards she still would fall on occasion as her mind went further and further from us and her personality changed radically. Finally after yet another fall that led to a hospital visit the doctor refused to release her unless it was to a nursing home. We had no choice and my heart broke. The ONLY good part was that she was already fairly unaware of her surroundings or who we were any longer. She still fell there and was reduced to half a room and a small wardrobe, bed and tv (that she had no interest in). Even though it was the only choice I hold much guilt for breaking my promise.....That is all emotional...I know full well there is nothing to feel guilty about, it had to be done both legally and medically.

I know you are feeling much the same and it will only be worse if he does say such things but you MUST remember that you are really looking out for him in the only way you can. His welfare is at your heart and you have no reason to feel bad about this. Just keep visiting and keeping in touch as often as possible and never let yourself think for a moment that you are doing the wrong thing.

I'll pray for you and your daddy. It is heartbreaking to have your parents in this situation, heartbreaking for all involved.

*hugs and love*
Feb. 27th, 2009 07:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Your story tells me you know exactly how I feel -- although rationally, I know it's no longer safe for Dad to stay in his room where he keeps on stumbling over the mess he makes (he's forever taking stuff out of his cupboards and wardrobe and leaving it on the floor) and setting fire to his newspapers, knowing how much he hates the thought of going into a nursing home I really wish I could spare him that. But I have no choice; I can't stay home and look after him, and I can't even take him in in any case as I haven't the room and I live three floors up with no lift.
Feb. 27th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC)
Yes, I hated that it was my sister's home at first as we had no room at our house at all. It is terribly distressing but please know you are looking out for his best welfare!

Feb. 27th, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC)
Nothing I can say beyond the fact that I'm thinking about you. Hugs.
Feb. 28th, 2009 09:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you. My sister, upon hearing the news, said it was probably for the best and now I can have my life back, but I don't know how she works that one out. I don't think I'll cut back on my visits just because he's got round the clock care and doesn't need me to bring him stuff anymore.
Feb. 27th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC)
*hugs* There's not much else I can say. I'm so sorry.
Feb. 28th, 2009 09:46 pm (UTC)
It happened to my nan, and I daresay it'll happen to me some day, too...not something I look forward to.
Feb. 28th, 2009 04:53 am (UTC)
I'm sorry for both of you that it's come to this. Unfortunately though, it usually does in the end with loved ones. And the trouble you have to go through to find a good place too. Doesn't bear thinking about.

I feel compelled to ask if they'll keep him if he stops smoking? Because it'll be hard for him to get to smoke in a "real" nursing home anyway, he'll most likely be forced to give up. Certainly every time we visited my grandma would be great excitement as we would wheel her outside and she'd chain-smoke the entire time we were there, haha. And we bought her chocolate which she loved, but smeared everywhere like a kid.

She lived with my Mum for a few years (my poor, poor mother has sworn she'll never expect the same of us) then spent another 5 in various homes. Just make sure that - apart from not smelling too bad (because it'll put you off visiting) - the staff seem happy and the patients are content and not neglected in any way. There's nothing worse than finding out your loved one is being neglected (this happened to us).

It's horribly difficult all round. I'm sorry it has come to this for you all. :(

Edited at 2009-02-28 07:22 am (UTC)
Mar. 2nd, 2009 06:31 pm (UTC)
I feel compelled to ask if they'll keep him if he stops smoking? Because it'll be hard for him to get to smoke in a "real" nursing home anyway, he'll most likely be forced to give up.

The problem with Dad is, he's not going to give up of his own accord. We've tried to wean him off the ciggies, by handing his fags over to the staff; they then bring him one or two with his meals...but although he agreed to the scheme at first, he became terribly abusive once it was put in place, and now they just let him have his smokes. I do realise that once he's in a nursing home, he's not going to be allowed to smoke at all; but Dad's incapable of understanding this. Lord knows I've warned him often enough!

I will try and find him somewhere bearing your recommendations in mind -- I definitely don't want him to end up like his stepmother, who spent her final days strapped to a chair sopping in her pee because the home was so severely understaffed they couldn't take 5 minutes to take someone to the loo.
Feb. 28th, 2009 04:58 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry. I know it's best for your dad but that in no way makes it easier. ((Hugs))
Feb. 28th, 2009 09:48 pm (UTC)
Thank you. It probably will be better for Dad, but I hate to have to be the one to break to news to him. I know he's not going to like it one bit, and I worry he may just give up soon after the move.
( 11 Speak Like A Child — Shout To The Top )
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