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I knew Caroline was in The Netherlands this week, and would be staying at Mark's; but yesterday, I found her on my doorstep. Turns out Mark and his husband have been fighting and flinging the dinner plates at each other's heads incessantly, and after 3 days of this, their guest scampered. Straight to mine, and she's going to stay until Sunday.

I don't mind having her, but I'm appalled to find how ill-prepared I am for unexpected guests. Nothing in the fridge but half a tin of Spam that I may have opened and put back 6 months ago; 2 eggs and some pineapple juice. Toothpaste stains on the mirror over the washstand. Shoes and stacks of BtVS-fanfic everywhere. And a cat with a bladder infection that sits down and leaves a bloody trail on every available surface every two minutes.

I'm a pig. I really am. But pigs are smart animals so now I've got me a cunning plan: I'll ask her to meet me at the station tonight and then invite her to the movies. Unfortunately, the midnight marathon showing of The Lord of the Ring-trilogy is booked solid, but I'm hoping Master and Commander will keep her occupied enough to forget about my shortcomings as a hostess. The only flaw in my plan is, she's got all day and daylight to see what a terrible housewife I am...

And if I hear Noddy Holder shout It's Chriiiiistmaaass! one more time, I'm going to...